well do you love me

my friend and her boyfriend just said their i love yous for the first time
i dont underestimate the significance of this
i think its amazing

before this year, i dont think id said i love you
to anyone

i envy people who pop it in at the end of conversations to their moms or dads
i dont, however much i want to
we've never done it
so, itd be weird to start?
i say it in texts, but its not the same
like, what if they suddenly werent there anymore
and id never told them
that i loved them

it is assumed knowledge
but those words are so powerful
i. love. you

i say it to my friends
because i cant imagine life without them
is that what love is? not being able to exist without their presence?
and love is so comforting
and assuring
and makes you feel a little bit warm inside your heart
when things are shitty

ive never said it to a guy though
ive never loved a boy
like, yes
but never love

love is so much more than a crush
so much more than a kiss, or an attraction
i think a romantic, boyfgirlfriend love can only come after a while
its a deeper thing
i think its more about comfort:
about being able to not wear makeup around this guy
and do your retarded things around them
and know that they still like you

ive seen love
or infatuation?
in those around me,
but never had it for myself

im excited
but also scared