straight to the deep end

this is my first post.

quite excited about this blog thing; others that ive read are so frank and honest and true and inspiring and beautiful.

lets hope mine can be at least some of those.

i went to a memorial for my friends grampa today.

it was sad, and it was scary

death is such a sudden thing; like a violent whirlwind that just whips in and changes everything. forever.

life is never the same, however hard you try to return to the old ways. the faint reminder of what was is omnipresent, lingering in the corner of your head. sometimes its brought back by a smell, an object. or even a song

i dont think im scared of my own death. its rather the idea of not fulfilling my life that frightens me. theres so many things to do, to experience, to wonder at, to laugh about. im so excited to grow up - but its so daunting. i cant even imagine not living at home, or not going to school, or being old. it hasnt hit me yet that after this year, ill never go to school ever again. ill be an adult: a little kid, like i once was, will see me and think, shes big. adults talk to me now like im one of them. its weird; like, i feel like i should be with the children on the other side of the room, playing monopoly. not talking about intellectual things.

one day ill be old. with wrinkles. and ill know how to knit, and ill make apple pies.